


To the sky, a joyful smile

by jamesniall



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, M/M, Niall-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-09
Updated: 2013-12-09
Packaged: 2018-01-03 15:18:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1072002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesniall/pseuds/jamesniall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the room it’s silent again, and it feels calmer and not as eerie as before, Liam softly says, “you’ll get through this, Nialler”</p><p>None of them disagree.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To the sky, a joyful smile

**Author's Note:**

> so, this story means /a lot/ to me, i've been writing it for months now and it started as a small idea with no more than 2k words or so and somewhere along the way it turned into this huge 17k monster, im not sorry at all. It's basically based on a very personal story and i wrote about real things that really happened and this was a way of letting all those feelings out, but i got too invested on it and i kept writing and suddenly all i wanted to do was finish it, and now that is finally done, it's here, for all of you who want to read it, so i really hope you like it and feel as connected as i did while writing it.
> 
> all the mistakes are my own  
> hope you like it.

Harry was just having a day off, those rare, sparse days when he gets to go home for a few days and rest of the madness of living life on tour. He was relaxing; eating his favourite dessert made by his mum, the one she always has ready for him when he’s going over to visit. It was soothing, to be home in Holmes Chapel playing a round of scrabble with his sister and his mum, who always wins, and everything was going right, absolutely perfect, one of those moments when you want to freeze the time because you feel like nothing could go wrong.

That’s when he gets the call, a frantic and _sobbing_ Maura crying on the phone, Harry can’t understand what she’s saying because there’s so much noise on the other side of the line and she’s struggling to get the words out but Harry thinks she’s chanting Niall’s name, she sounds desperate.

“Niall fell, Harry, he just- collapsed, he’s not-” and it’s painful, to hear her usual chirpy and warm voice, sounding faint and cracking with every word, “he’s not waking up”.

 

+

 

He drives for two hours and a half. Tries really hard to numb every kind of memory, every type of emotion, every thought that could trigger a breakdown in the middle of the road. He’s so close to getting to the hospital, so close to holding Niall, to finally see with his own eyes if he’s okay. _he has to be, he has to be, he has to be_

He tries to picture stupid scenarios of Niall falling from a random, harmless place. Maybe he was just trying to reach out for the highest shelf on their kitchen, maybe he fell down the stairs or put too much soap on the shower, slipped and fell on his bum.

But he has no idea of what happened, what he had been doing. As far as Harry knows, he was just having a family dinner with friends and relatives from back home, what could have gone wrong? What happened to make Maura sound so terrified and upset when she called? He needs someone to tell him something, anything, his fingers won’t stop shaking if he doesn’t _know_.

Niall is fine, he tells himself, Niall is probably watching TV, laughing about his dad’s bad jokes while they watch the latest derby game his dad recorded for him while he was on tour, he’s fine, Harry has nothing to worry about.

Except there’s a nagging feeling at tip of his stomach that is telling him something different, the uneasy feeling of _something’s wrong, something is so terribly wrong and you’re not doing anything to fix it_  it’s slowly spreading through his veins and he’s angry, he’s so angry he’s stuck in traffic when Niall is at the hospital, when he’s clueless of his condition, when the thing he needs the most is to be close to Niall but the only thing he feels is a big void forming in between them, trying to swallow him whole.

He needs to breathe, he needs to think of the Niall he saw before he left, a sleepy Niall after a footie match with Louis, Liam and Zayn, a happy, smiling Niall playing his guitar, trying new tunes. Niall wouldn’t want him to worry, so he won’t. He turns on the radio at his highest volume and pretends it’s a normal trip, from Cheshire to London and that Niall will be waiting for him tucked in his fluffy sweater and pajama pants with messy hair at their front door.

Niall has to be fine.

 

+

 

He’s not.

When Niall wakes up he feels groggy and absolutely disoriented, as if someone has punched his head really hard with a brick or maybe a hammer, something like that.

It hurts, a lot, and it’s hard because he can’t pinpoint where it hurts the most he just knows it hurts, a constant ache somewhere deep inside his body but it’s especially bad in his head.

There are people around him, he knows because he can hear faint whispers of conversations around wherever he’s lying on. But he can’t bring himself to open his eyes. He feels tired, _drained,_ and the pain in his head is making him see white spots even behind his closed eyelids, he needs to open them, just to see if that helps with the dull ache but something about the scratchy sheets and an annoying beep tells him he’s not in his room and definitely not in his bed.

It smells like disinfectant and medicines and hospital and that sounds so cliché but he doesn’t care because, when did he even get here? And how? Why? He remembers having friends and family over at his and Harry’s flat and they were having lunch while the usual banter made him feel at home. What could have gone wrong?

He helplessly tries to move his fingers, but his hands feel heavy, like they don’t belong to his body. He feels numb and he wishes that same numbness would spread to his head so the pain would stop pestering him.

The only solution his dulled mind can think of is making a sound, so whoever that’s there wherever he is can know he’s awake, that he’s alright, he’s just tired and needs a strong painkiller for his headache, but he’s fine.

As soon as he groans there are too many hands on him, the whispers turn louder, too loud for Niall’s brain liking and his head is throbbing so hard he feels it’s about to explode.

“Give him space, I’ll call the doctor” Niall hears what seems to be Greg’s voice.

“Niall baby, how are you feeling, do you need something?” this time is his mum, he knows it, he feels it but he can also feel how bad her hands are shaking trying to intertwine their fingers, squeezing them painfully, making Niall feel safer than he’s been feeling since he woke up.

“Thank God you woke up” Bobby’s voice says somewhere close beside him and Niall briefly wonders how long he’s been out to cause such a commotion between the people present in the room.

He faintly hears the sound of the door opening and footsteps approaching the bed, “Mr Horan, I’m doctor Finley, can you please open your eyes?”

He tries his best, he really does, but he’s sure that he achieves nothing but just a flutter of his eyelashes, he can already feel the too lighten room, too white, too bright, too _painful._

“Hurts” his voice is hoarse and he regrets talking because his throat is so dry it makes him feel like he swallowed sand. It really does hurt.

“Is it your head?” the doctor asks again.

Niall hesitates using his voice again but he can’t think of any other option so he croaks out a small “yes”. _please don’t make me talk again_

“We’ll bring you some water and then I’ll check your vitals, but you need to open your eyes, we need to check you don’t got yourself a concussion”

Oh, now he remembers.

The memory doesn’t reach his brain completely, he has glimpses of what happened before he got here, he remembers eating a delicious Irish meal his mum cooks wonderfully and he remembers playing with Sean, something silly about hitting each other’s foreheads every time one of them said the same thing at the same time, and he remembers his beer falling to the ground during one of the tries of hitting Sean, and he recalls wanting to help his mother clean the mess, lowering himself and crawl under the dinner table and when he was about to get up everything started to blur and sway and he felt like he was falling into a never ending darkness.

He probably has a concussion.

Except it’s more than that.

After swallowing two glasses of water and telling them to _please dim the lights or close the blinds, this is sure the worst hangover ever_ , he wants to laugh, because yeah it was a bad joke but a joke nonetheless and all he wanted was the tensed air of the room to dissipate.

But laughing seemed like too much effort and he’s already fighting to keep his eyes open.

He stays silent and as still as one could be when a doctor is checking literally everything on your body. He answers question after question, short and straight to the point.

He says yes to feeling more exhausted whether they have a show or not, he explains how he’s been feeling more sleepy and lethargic, he tells how he gets out of breath so fast and how easy the headaches come. He explains he always thought it was just laziness mixed with just wanting to rest, they are in the middle of a world tour, he was bound to be exhausted, right?

But he never got to dwell on the details that came with that exhaustion that was still clinging to him; like the way he was losing appetite and how some of his favourite foods were losing its usual flavour, the way his hair seemed duller, his skin paler and if he wasn’t losing weight, he wasn’t gaining a pound neither.

When the doctor says they need blood samples and an X-ray for his head, just to be sure, Niall agrees, because really, what else is there to do?

.

The doctor is back not more than an hour later, an hour that Maura wasted away explaining what had happened because Niall couldn’t bring himself to remember properly, she also says Harry would be arriving soon and Niall feels guilty he made him come back after a day he left but he also feels relieved to know he’ll be there soon. He listens to his dad’s old stories and he smiles when Greg talks about how Theo is growing up so fast and well, can’t help the pride he feels when his brother says he’s been trying to mumble out Niall’s name and that he laughs loud and giggles cutely and that he’s growing out of the clothes Niall gave him for his first birthday last month. He laughs when Sean recalls all the things he and his friends have been up to while he was on tour and the room is filled with a false sense of normality until the someone knocks on the door and his mum opens it and everything is suddenly silent and tense again because just by his face Niall can tell the doctor didn’t come back with good news.

Niall’s fingers shake as the older man opens a folder and says they’ve got all the results ready and tells his mum she should sit down because it will take a while to explain it all.

Niall’s stomach drops down ten feet underground because this is too much to talk about just a concussion.

He tries not to think about all the negative and life-changing diagnosis he would be about to hear and he focuses on his breathing instead, he knows he has to be the one keeping it cool because seeing family right there, all with the same desperate stare, mouths pressed firmed in a tight line, feet rocking up and down, he knows he has to keep himself sane to keep them all sane too.

“Mr Horan, we checked and discussed the results with a few other colleagues and we- we need to share the outcome with you so we know what can we do next” the doctor says looking at him but Niall doesn’t meet his eyes, doesn’t want the fear to drown him just like it is doing with his loved ones, “we found damaged cells in your body, and unfortunately they have already spread to several organs,  your symptoms started appearing far too late and I’m deeply sorry to say this but we found a tumour in your brain”

Niall stops listening.

He blocks it all out, tries in vain to lock himself away from the words the doctor is throwing at him, as if they were easy to take in.

He still hears bits of it, words like  _metastasis_ and _too late for remove it by surgery,_   _the most affected organs are his brain and bones._

_cancer_

And Niall feels all the oxygen leave his lungs, the room, the whole country, there’s no air anymore, he can’t _breathe._

He briefly recalls that night all those years ago, back when he was around five, when his parents sat him and his brother in the dining room, and they talked. A lot. It was all fuzzy, he felt like all the words they were saying were all scattered in the air and he was trying to catch them reaching out with his tiny hands and jumping on the couch to see if that was enough to put them down in order and try to understand. ‘divorce’ ‘it’s not working anymore’ ‘we love you both so much but this can’t keep going’ and as much as Niall tried he just couldn’t get it because before he could, things started to change and he had to move out from home and live with his dad and brother leaving his mum alone in that big house for reasons he couldn’t understand yet and things changed so much it made him feel restless, like there was something breaking, some expensive, adored porcelain of his mom, falling to the ground while Niall did nothing but watch as it fell and fell until the piercing noise of it smashing to the ground rumbled in his ears. It’s like he can still hear it, like he’s watching his life in some kind of T.V show but he missed the last episodes. He’s just watching and not quite understanding what or why were things suddenly changing, why his parents wouldn’t be in the same room, why Greg was so mad and angry at everything and why nobody would answer when Niall kept asking questions because he knew it was about his life and he needed to know whywhywhy, like he was screaming but no one in the room could hear him.

“Niall?” His mum’s voice gets him out of whatever stupor he got himself in and he blinks, once, twice, thrice and again and again because he wants all of this to be a fucked up dream he’s having because he got one too many shots the night before.

But he blinks and he rubs his eyes a thousand times and a thousand times he opens them to find himself in the same hospital bed with his mum giving him the same sad and broken look so he gives up and looks down at his trembling hands, “can you please leave? I want- I just need to be on me own for a bit”

“Niall please don’t shut us down” Greg says, standing up from his seat and taking Niall’s cold hand in his sweaty one.

But before Niall could answer, his dad speaks, telling his brother and mum that it’s okay, they’ll wait outside and that he understands they all need their time to wrap their heads around this.

Niall smiles gratefully at him and he mutters a small “jus’ tell me when Harry’s here, yeah? Don’ tell him anything about- this, I will” before they leave, Sean looks back and nods, closing the door softly and then he’s alone.

He feels feverish, hot and sweaty all over but he's still shaking, body racking with tremors that made him shiver, make him feel cold even under all those blankets, leaving Niall feeling more exhausted than he’s ever felt since all of this started.

He hides under the sheets to make himself as small as possible as he curls up in the bed and clutches his pillow hard fighting the urge to cry.

He closes his eyes, in an effort to make it stop, to make all of it freeze and to go back to sleep and find the oblivion that comes with it, he fights down the lump in his throat and the sobs that he’s sure are going to erupt out of his body sooner than later, he closes his eyes and shuts them tight praying for sleep, and praying for his headache to get the fuck away, feeling terribly alone and miserable, wanting no one but Harry to be here.

 

+

 

Harry arrives after what feels like hours, panting and sweating after running from the parking lot to the hospital's main entrance, he tries to catch his breath before asking a nurse where Niall is but he thinks there’s no point. He’ll end up running up to wherever the blonde is.

She smiles warmly and for a moment Harry confuses her smile with pity and he thinks he sees sadness in her eyes but he brushes it off, he was driving for two hours, his head is messing with him, he’s just hungry, that must be it.

_Niall has to be fine_

He finds Niall’s floor easily but he’s not prepared for what he sees in the waiting room.

He sees Maura, tiny, little, beautiful Maura sobbing as Bobby and Greg hold her tightly, both of them trying their best to hold back tears, for Maura’s sake, Harry supposes. A distraught Sean is sitting in the corner chair of the waiting room with an empty haze and hollow eyes.

Now he’s scared.

Because whatever happened wasn’t okay, it wasn’t just a simple slip and a hit on the head, it’s far from fine, too far, too wrong and if it outside it’s like this then Harry isn’t sure he’s ready to open Niall’s door.

But he wants to avoid asking. He would hate himself if he disturbs the intimacy of Maura and Bobby’s hug, doesn’t think he’s allowed to touch Sean’s shoulder who’s now with his head between his hands, crying silently. So he decides there’s no other option but finding the strength and opening the door and see with his own eyes what the hell has everyone so torn up.

He knocks but receives no answer, so he just goes for it, he opens and _oh_.

He wishes he had asked first. That way he could’ve had an idea of what he’ll find inside the dark room, with closed blinds, dim lights and tubes connected to a small, shaking body.

He doesn’t register when he closes the door, when he half walks, half runs the space separating him from Niall, but he’s there in a second, maybe less than that.

He grasps Niall’s hands tightly as he tries to get them off the blonde’s face because Niall is crying, his gasping for air in between sobs and whimpers and Harry can feel his whole world falling apart because he looks so fragile and in pain.

“Niall, Niall, I’m here babes, is Harry, I’m here”

The breath of relief that comes out of Niall’s mouth comes as fast as his arms that suddenly find themselves reaching out for Harry, latching onto him, touching and grasping his back, his neck, his hair, while muttering a mantra of a whispered ‘ _i love you i love you i love you_ ’ and kissing every inch of skin he finds.

“Niall, please, look at me, what’s wrong?”

And Niall tells him. He doesn’t have the energy to beat around the bush, doesn’t find the creativity to give a mysterious answer like ‘I'm dying’. He just deadpans; “I have cancer” with tear stained cheeks, red swollen eyes and a little hoarse voice that is even painful to listen to.

Harry breaks, he lets out a laugh that has not a single tint of humour on it as he’s shakes his head and looks at Niall like he’s never seen him before, “no, no, don’t joke with that, Niall, don't” but Niall hides his face under the sheets as he tries to supress sobs.

Harry doesn’t know what to do. What to say. Because it doesn’t matter, does it? If he says ‘it’ll be alright’ it won’t make a difference, it won’t change the fact that Niall is sick, that some disease has been spreading slowly through his body while everyone was oblivious about it.

So he just crawls into the bed with Niall, careful to not mess up with the tubes and he settles down slow and easy because Niall’s head hurts and every single move is making it worse.

He doesn’t say anything as he hugs Niall and tucks him close, bodies flushed together, so close he feels Niall’s quick and constant heartbeat right in his chest, he stays quiet as he kisses his forehead, his cheeks and nose, he doesn’t need any kind of words, not right now, because everything is still too new, too unexpected, so he just does what he does best; he showers Niall with love and kisses that are a way of saying _‘I love you, I'm here, I'm not letting you go_ ’

He doesn’t know what time it is when they both fall asleep, with tears still falling messily down their cheeks, but they do, oblivious to the word outside, oblivious to the future that’s waiting for them, they sleep the pain away, want to sleep all they can because they know when they wake up they’ll have to deal with something no one should ever deal with.

 

+

 

It’s nine in the morning and Harry swears if his phone rings just one more time he’ll throw it out of the window.

He’s comfy, and warm, and tangled, literally tangled with Niall, he doesn’t feel his right arm and his leg is kind of trapped in between Niall’s and he can feel Niall’s chest moving up and down right beside him, his blonde soft hair is tickling Harry’s face and he sighs dramatically when the damn phone rings again.

It takes him two minutes to disentangle himself from Niall and one second to be properly awake because he almost falls out of the bed.

“Fuck”

And then he remembers, he’s not in their room, nor in the flat, he’s not even in their couch or in the tour bus, nor in one of the boys’ guest rooms.

It’s a hospital room, a typical hospital room with too much white and an overwhelming smell of cleanness and disinfectants with the constant beeping and it’s all sinking in, slowly and unpleasantly heavy on his chest, Harry starts to remember why he is here, and why is _Niall_ here.

Everything starts coming back to the surface, the calmness, the call, the drive, the panic, the sobs, the tears. He wishes he could just go back to sleep because Niall looks so calm and blissfully unaware of whatever it's happening in the world.

His phone rings for what seems like the umpteenth time and he finally picks it up.

“Hello?”

“Harry, mate I’ve been calling you” Liam’s voice answers at the other end, Harry briefly wonders if he knows, if someone already told him that Niall is here that Niall is- sick.

“I noticed”

“Why weren’t you answering? We went to the flat but you weren’t there”

“I was sleeping” he really doesn’t want to answer the question Liam is surely going to ask.

“And where did you sleep?”

“You know what happened?” he questions instead of answering.

He hears a tired and almost sad sigh from Liam, “not really? Your mom called last night asking about you, and we said that we thought you were with her, and she nearly has a panic attack on me but then she said that she had heard nothing from you since Maura called, so I called Niall and Maura but both phones were like dead or something, and worried out of our damn minds we went to your flat early today but no one was there…where are you, man?”

He rubs his face with his free hand, “at the hospital”

“What? Why? Are you- is Niall okay? What happened? Weren’t you in Cheshire? Wait are you in London? What’s going on?” 

“Liam, breathe” he laughs, but it comes out more like a sigh “I am in London, arrived yesterday, we’re in the hospital near to our flat, you know the big one where we came when Lou messed up his knee? I’m okay, but- Niall is, he has-“ can you really just say such a big thing over the phone? Harry thinks to himself.

“Niall is what, Harry are you still there?” he almost can see Liam walking back and forth wherever he is, a frown drawn in his face and his knuckles turning white for holding the phone so tight, “Harry for fucks sakes, answer me”

“Can you just, come here? Bring the others it’s- important” and yeah, ‘important’ wasn’t exactly the word Harry wanted to say but whatever.

“Could you at least tell me how bad it is? Like the flu? His knee? Harry, please”

“Just come over”

“Right. Okay, I'll see ya there, I guess”

“Yeah, bye”

Harry throws his phone on the couch next to the bed, and sighs. He tries to imagine how hard will it be to tell them, or if _he_  will be the one to tell them, maybe the doctor or Maura will. Harry would just start blabbering and after all wouldn’t be able to say it.

He can’t even think about it. He can’t put cancer and Niall in the same picture, he just can’t.

And he wonders, how will they react, what will they do as soon as they know, what would they say. He starts imagining and regrets it two seconds after because it’s too upsetting to even think about.

“Harry?”

He turns around to see a frowning and small-looking Niall rubbing sleep out of his eyes, Harry wants to cry.

“Hey babe, how are you?” Harry says getting close to Niall’s bed.

“Fine” He croaks.

“Honest?”

“Just cold, c’mere”

And he starts climbing in the too small bed again, with Niall almost lying on top of him, hugging him so tightly Harry feels breathless, but he squeezes back, careful, of course, because Niall looks too small it makes him want to put him inside a bubble and protect him from every threatening thing that exists in the universe, sickness included.

“Did yesterday really happen?” Niall asks and Harry wants to tell him no, no of course it didn’t, you just hit your head in the kitchen and dreamed all of this, but he can’t, because is _real_ and that feeling of dread he had when he talked to Liam is coming back

“Yeah, it sucks to say it but it did”

“I’m sorry”

“Why?” Harry frowns.

“Because you couldn’t stay more time in Holmes chapel and I kinda ruined the whole goin’ home thing”

“You didn’t. I wouldn’t have been able to stay there while you’re here, anyway”

“Yeah, you did get here fast”, Niall chuckles.

“Did I? I felt as if I had been driving for years and I was nowhere near you”

Niall laughs because he knows Harry was trying to be cheesy, and when he doesn’t know what to say back he giggles, like a _thank you, it means a lot, I love you,_  and Harry knows that too, so he nuzzles his face in Niall’s hair.

“You scared my guts out, though, not funny” Harry mumbles.

“I was scared you got yourself in a car crash so we are even” Niall breathes out close to Harry’s cheek.

Harry laughs breathlessly and kisses Niall’s forehead.

“Now, how are you really feeling?” He says, looking up to see Niall’s face more clearly.

He’s pale.

“I told you I’m fine, just like every other mornin’, sleepy and lazy and…tired” he frowns, because yeah, for the last few months every morning he just woke up feeling _knackered,_ it wasn’t something out of the usual lately.

Harry wipes the frown off his face and kisses that place in between his eyebrows.

“Isn’t a doctor supposed to come here and check on you or something? Is like ten am” Harry asks.

“They already checked on me” Niall laughs tilting his head slightly to look properly at Harry “a nurse came in at like seven, you were sleeping like a baby”

“How did she manage to check on you if you were all tangled in my arms when I woke up?” Harry says stifling a giggle.

“I tangled myself on you after she left” Niall says holding back a yawn. He looks exhausted.

“Go back to sleep” Harry whispers, “I’ll wake you when the lads are here, okay?”

Niall nods slowly, it doesn’t take him more than five minutes to fall asleep soundlessly in Harry’s arms.

 

+

 

He calls his mum while Niall is still asleep, because he promised to call when he rushed out of his house and he needs to tell her about what happened to Niall.

He ends up crying so hard he has to leave the room so he doesn’t disturb the peacefully sleeping Niall.

He sobs and his body shakes as he sits on the cold floor and asks his mum “why, why him, mum what did he do, what did we do, he doesn’t deserve this, not Niall, not my Niall, mum”

He cries till he can’t cry no more, till he finds Anne’s voice comforting enough to ease the ache in his chest, he breathes in and out while she swears they will be fine. That Niall is strong and so is Harry, that everything will work out.

He talks to Gemma too, because she loves Niall, in the short time he gets to visit during the tour they’ve gotten close and Harry just prays that after telling this it would get easier to let the words out.

Harry is just plain scared.

It scares him that in less than an hour the boys will be there and he’ll have to tell them, he’s afraid he'll faint or just break down before he even gets to say it.

He’s scared he’s not strong enough to stand up and get into Niall’s room and realise all of this is real. It’s really not a nightmare.

He’s scared the cancer is stronger than they think it is. He’s scared Niall is not strong enough.

 

+

 

Telling the boys is hard.

Probably the hardest and most painful thing Harry has ever done, because he has to say it. Niall is asleep on the hospital bed, out cold and oblivious to the three worried boys standing close to the bed, itching to touch, wanting nothing but to make sure their Niall is all right, with concern drawn up on their faces, waiting for Harry to say something, to explain what the hell is going on, _Harry just tell us_.

He does.

And it’s not easy.

 

+

 

When Niall wakes up he sees more chairs around the room. Most of them are empty but there are four that are occupied by four boys that look small and upset and Niall hates how sad they look.

“Stop it with the long faces”, he says with a raspy voice and four pair of familiar eyes look at him and then three pair of legs are jumping out of the chair and Liam, Louis and Zayn all hug him at the same time.

“You fucker” he hears Louis mumble, and he’s about to laugh when he can feel something wet on his neck, right where Louis’ face is buried in, in that moment the laugh gets caught up in his throat and it’s turning into a huge lump trying to come out as a sob but he keeps it there as Louis cries and shakes his head in the crook of Niall’s neck, “not you, Niall, not you” and it's like he can feel how Louis wants to scream, and kick and punch and pull out his hair because no, not Niall, not _their_  Niall, not like this.

Niall’s heart flips at the pain in Louis voice, at the trembling of Liam's hands and the unsteady puffs of air Zayn is leaving in his neck. “Lou, look at me, look at me Louis” he says.

The lump just keeps growing.

“We’ll be okay, yeah? I’ll get out of this hospital as healthy as ever, I swear I will but _please_ don’t fucking cry,” but the lump wins and he lets out the most heart breaking sob they’ve ever heard.

That’s all it takes for Zayn and Liam and of course Harry, who was silently wiping his tears in the corner of the bed, to join them in the hug and they end up tangled in each other, not knowing which arm belongs to who but needing it there more than ever.

They cry till their faces feel disgusting and his noses are runny.

They don’t leave the bed though, they stay as close to Niall as they can be.

Zayn laughs, “look at us, we’re one big mess” and they all laugh too, because there’s not a single reason but why not? They need it.

When the room it’s silent again, and it feels calmer and not as eerie as before, Liam softly says, “you’ll get through this, Nialler”

None of them disagree.

 

+

 

“I'm bald Harry” Niall says from where he's standing beside their closet, trying to find something to put on his head.

“You’re not”

“I'm gonna steal all of your beanies, you won't see them ever again” he says as he finally finds his favourite, Harry's grey and fluffy beanie he wears when it gets too cold.

“As long as you give me your snapbacks, I have no problem with that” Harry shrugs as he circles his arms around Niall's tiny waist.

“Never, you can borrow them but they'll always be mine” Niall chuckles.

“The boys are waiting in the car, we’ll discuss over snapbacks and beanies later, deal?”

”Right, let's get going, then, but I’ll hide your beanies when we come back” He turns around so he's facing Harry.

Harry laughs and tilts his head so he can give Niall a kiss before they leave.

 

Just as Harry said, the boys are waiting for them, they promised to go with Niall to every chemo sesion they could, this is Niall's tenth chemo session since the diagnosis and the sixth time they've gone with him.

Niall feels a funny warmness spreading through his chest when they greet each other just like always, heartwarming smiles, gentle pats on his back, and the usual pinching of nipples or cheeks coming from Louis or Zayn, the typical “how’s it going Nialler?” The only thing missing is the natural ruffle of hair, but he won't start thinking about it right now.

They start the short trip to the hospital Niall hates so much, turning on the radio to its highest volumen and screaming out the lyrics like they can't sing to save their lives, it makes Niall feel alive, these are the moments he cherishes, when he can feel genuinely relived and relaxed, with all the boys surrounding him and don't letting his mind go to dark and terryfing places, protecting him from the harsh world as much as they can.

 

+

 

Niall accomodates as best as he can in the bed he’s assigned in the cancer wing of the hospital, Harry is sitting in the closest chair while the others are around his bed, leaving space for the nurse that comes to check his vitals, and put the neddle. He winces, as always, and looks away.

Harry stands up and stays right there beside him till the nurse stops fidgeting with the machines and neddles and Niall focuses on him, on the gentle squeeze on his hand and the little butterfly kisses that he’s leaving all over his head, all over the skin he can reach.

Those are the moments Niall hates the most, because everything feels too depressing.

The nurse leaves and tells them she’ll be back when the session is over, says that they can make themselves comfortable, as much as they can in a situation like this.

Niall squeezes Harry's hand and looks up at him, as if saying _it’s okay, you can sit down, i’ll be fine_  but Harry stays, keeps rubbing soft circles on his shoulders and kissing away the frown on his face.

“Is it painful? The chemo, I mean, does it hurt?” Louis asks, Niall knows he doesn't mean any harm by asking the question, he's not prying but Niall can't help the twirling feeling in his chest, he doesn't like talking about cancer and all that comes up with it, but he answers anyway.

“The neddle is just uncomfortable, same as the bed and well, of course when they put it on it hurts and stings, like a burn, but after a few minutes my arm just goes numb” Niall shrugs, trying to make it look like its not agonizing at all. Louis winces. “The ugly part is the side effects, you know, the puking and the dizziness and weakness, and you get nosebleeds out of no where, you get sleepy but you can't fall asleep easily, and the taste of every food just goes away and I feel exhausted even if I'm just lying down, plus the stupid hair loss” he shakes his head, "that's awful"

“You’re not even bald” Zayn adds.

“Not completely, yet, but when it happens I already warned Harry he will lose all his beanies”

“Remember when Liam was bald” Louis chuckles.

“Shut up Louis”

The whole room is laughing and when the nice moments fades, Harry asks, “how are you feeling?”

“Drowsy” Niall replies.

“Want to sleep?”

“Kinda, but I don't feel sleepy enough” he says, frowning when a spike of pain makes the whole room blurry.

“Don't they give you like, sleeping pills or something, so you dont feel like shit while you’re here?” Louis asks.

“They ask if you want some but I don't take them when you guys come, so I don't pass out and let this hour of bonding go to waste" he jokes and they all smile fondly, "If It gets bad I just have to force myself to fall asleep so I don't puke the whole hour” he says scrunching up his nose.

“You should try sleeping, Nialler” Zayn says frowning, they can see the waves of tiredness rolling off Niall's body.

“Nah, not yet, how was the Comic Relief performance the other night, eh? I never got to ask”

They start telling him about everything that happened, all the celebrities they saw and the amount of money they got to collect, “it was great, you were the missing piece, though”

“Oh, shut up, I was there by heart”

They try not to think that one day Niall won't be physically there with them and fight the shiver that runs down their spines.

“Going alright?” Harry asks, threading his fingers through Niall's hands.

“I'm a bit cold”

“Want my hoodie or the blanket?”

“You” is the response he gets, and Harry looks down to see Niall is fighting the sleep that it's trying to cling to his bones.

Harry lays down right beside Niall, careful not to mess up the neddle in his arm and to not jostle him too much, the smaller boy cuddles up close to him and Harry wraps his arms around him, rubbing his back because Niall is doing the grimace he does when the nausea starts and Harry doesn't want him to be sick, knows how much Niall hates when the boys see him so vulnerable, so he whispers a mantra of “breathe, slowly, just breathe, I'm here”

None of them notice when Niall falls asleep but they are relieved because maybe he will sleep away the session and he won't be sick, but the relief is short lived because Niall starts shaking and his teeth are clattering, he's cold to the touch even under Harry's warmth and it doesn't take long to realize he's having a nightmare

“Niall, hey wake up, wake up, you're okay”

He opens his eyes with a gasp and clutches Harry's hoodie so tight his hands start hurting, he's still shivering.

“Shh, it's okay, you were just dreaming, Nialler, it's alright” Liam says softly, trying to disentangle Niall's fingers from Harry's hoodie because the grasp looks painful, Niall's fingers are turning white.

“He’s awfuly pale” Zayn mutters after they've managed to get his breathing normal again and he's sitting against the headboard of the bed.

“Niall?”

“The bucket” he says in a faint whisper and Liam flies off his seat and grabs the small bucket just in time for Niall to throw up all his breakfast and possibly the light meal he ate last night.

He pukes until he’s crying and shaking convulsively, squeezing Harry's hand because it hurts, his lungs hurt when he tries to breathe and the pain in his head is incessant, he only ends up dry heaving and dry sobbing when he's done. He needs to close his eyes because suddenly the dizziness is there too and he hates this, hates this _so much_ , he feels so weak, and he hates that the most important people in his life have to see him like this, he hates it but he tries to find comfort on it all, on Harry's hand holding his tightly, Liam’s hand at his back, rubbing softly and constant, and Zayn is entwining their fingers together, he doesn't know where Louis is but he suspects the hands stroking his neck belong to him.

And he breathes, because he finds a way to anchor himself to the real world in his friends contact, a way to not let himself be dragged away by the darkness that cancer brings, because he knows the disease is relentless, inescapable at this point, but he knows he can keep himself sane and somewhat calm as Harry reaches out to wipe his chin and his moist eyes, and Zayn fixes his shirt and hoddie and Liam puts the bucket back in the bathroom, Louis is now in Liam's place stroking his hand and arm gently, and even though is kind of numb he can still feel the warmness there.

“How are you feeling?” Louis finally asks, when he sees Niall is feeling a bit more like himself.

“Better, I think, just kinda dizzy, but better” his voice is even more scratchy now, it hurts.

“Wanna lay down? I'm sure the nurse will be here soon, it’s been almost an hour” Harry says, not letting go of his hand.

“No, I'm alright like this just, don't leave”

He doesn't say it but they all can feel the _don't stop touching, don't stop caring, don't stop loving, just stay_   and they find themselves trying to fit in the small and uncomfortable hospital bed, they dont know how many minutes pass till the same nurse comes and smiles fondly at them.

“Sorry to interrupt, but I’ll remove the needdle and you’re free to go, Niall” she's the same nurse that has seen Niall since the chemo started, and he's thankful because she's always kind and gentle and she takes her time removing the needle so it doesn't hurt Niall's tender and fragile skin. She helps him sit up on the edge of the bed as she checks his vitals and says they're free to go.

Niall tries weakly to stand up and put on his shoes with still shaking hands, he’s still too pale and his eyes look lifeless and impossibly tired.

Harry gives Liam a glance that says _stay with him, I'll be right back,_  and he kisses Niall’s nose before he goes after the nurse before she can get too far.

He asks if it's normal that Niall is not getting any better, if that, he leaves every chemo session with less life in his eyes and hope in his heart. Harry's been with Niall during every session and he’s never left so shaken up.

“We talked about it at the start of the treatment Harry, he’s reaching the point where the treatment does nothing but poison his body, yet is the only thing that’s killing the cancer cells, the thing is, it kills the good ones too, makes him weaker, his inmune system is weaker, so he can get sick just from the flu and get terribly ill because his defenses are all fighting against the cancer itself.

Niall is fighting against his own body, it might look like the chemo is only worsening things, and you’ll see the side effects acting up on him more than ever, but we’re killing the cancer too, we won't get rid of it, not completely, Niall and you know that, and we have to check it hasn't spread further, but you have to know Harry, brain cancer is already a lot to fight to, and Niall is the strongest guy I’ve seen here, people with this type of cancer get to live just for not more than a month after it reaches the unstoppable point, we’ll only stop the treatment if he gets to the point of no return, but while we still have a chance to prolong his life, we will do everything we can.”

Harry nods and apologizes for his ourburst. He understands, of course he does, cancer is cancer and it's little what you can do against it.

He goes back to the room, he sees Zayn with Niall's (his) beanie in his hands, sees Niall trying to grab it weakly, and he sees Niall's hair, there's patches of hair and patches of pale skin and he wonders how fast could this happen.

“Hey” he takes both of Niall’s tiny hands in his and kisses his forehead, throws a small smile at him, “ready to go?”

Niall frowns and lowers his head down to their interlocked hands, he shakes his head solemnly and Harry panics, looking at the boys for a response but they won't meet his eyes, “why, whats wrong?” he gently lifts up Niall's chin.

He can see Niall struggling with his words and he can feel his hands shaking again, “can you- can you ask for a wheelchair?”

Harry tenses and feels cold and shivers travel up and down his body, subconsciously squeezing Niall’s hands tighter, “of course, I'll be right back” he finds Niall’s lips and Niall tries fruitlessly to pull away because he threw up not so long ago and the  mint that Louis gave him didn't really help, he knows his mouth tastes and smells like hell but Harry just keeps kissing him and he lets it be, needing the kiss just as much as Harry, if not more.

 

They get home and the discussion about beanies and snapbacks is long forgotten.

 

+

 

It’s been two months since Niall’s diagnosis and one month since the chemo started. 

Louis, Zayn, Liam and Harry have to leave for a show, a charity performance or something like that, Niall doesn't remember clearly. 

As soon as they leave, Niall tries to fall asleep, because he knows they won't be home for another good three hours, but the try is futile, he sleeps for around fifteen minutes until a very frightening nightmare wakes him up and leaves him grasping the sheets around him, looking for warm, soft skin, Harry. It takes him less than two minutes to come back to his senses and to steady his breathing, knowing he won't be falling asleep again any time soon.

Now it’s 6:25pm and Niall doesn't have the energy to stand up and look out for the remote, he just lies there, staring at the ceiling and revising in his head everything Harry told him before he left;  _pills_ _at seven sharp, there’s water and apple juice in the nightstand along with the medicines, two blue pills for his headache. Sandwiches in the kitchen and pasta from last night in case he gets hungry, repetition of a derby game at 8:30 and the white pills at nine, don't do anything too crazy, don't throw a party without me._

He smiles sligthly but it vanishes fast off his face as he acknowledges his headeache is getting worse but he still has more than half an hour till he can take the damn pills and more than an hour before they start actually soothing the pain.

Harry-made sandwiches don't sound like a bad idea, he just wishes Harry had left them just  a hand away from him so he would not have to stand up, go down the stairs, to the kitchen, turn on the lights, uncomfortable lights that just make his headache worse than it already is.

But he knows that those pills don't settle well in an empty stomach so he forces himself to stand up, grabs a blanket and a pillow because he definitely doesn't want to climb up the stairs again, plans on staying on the couch until his back starts protesting. He starts the journey down the stairs with a pillow under his armpit, a glass of apple juice and two blue pills in his right hand, the blacket in his left hand so he doesn't risk triping and falling.

He sets the pills and the juice on the kitchen table, mentally reminding himself that he has to take them in twenty minutes and goes over to the couch to set his pillow and blanket, turns on the tv so he doesn't feel so alone and the flat isn't so eerie silent.

The lights of the fridge are enough problem to deal with so he doesn't turn the kitchen lights on, and he opens the fridge to find the food Harry told him about there, three perfect homemade sandwiches because Harry knows Niall eats two, he doesn't know when he started frowning but he finds himself glaring at his kitchen.

it’s not a mess, not at all, he’s used to Harry  making a mess of their kitchen when he cooks or makes something as simple as a small snack and apple juice, but it’s clean and everything is on its place and Niall feels angry, _he_ used to do all those things before; he used to cook, simple but good meals for both of them, joking about how tasty everything Niall-made was and how successful would it be if he published his own cookery book, he used to wash the dishes and clean the counter until everything looked clean again, but now is Harry who does all of that and he knows that Harry doesn't like to be tidy, doesn't wipe the butter off the knife before washing it but now he does just because Niall likes it.

He can't do things by himself now, he needs help to stand up just as he needs help to go to the bathroom and change his clothes every morning. He’s angry not beause people are helping him but because he's not helping them back, he feels useless because now he doesn't have the energy to do simple and easy things anymore. He can't run after Harry, stampeding down and up the stairs during a tickle fight, can't go outside to do some grocery shopping, can't go to the pub, he _can't_   do anything and he's raging with anger because the cancer took everything away from him, left him helpless and vulnerable, making him feel like nothing more than a burden.

There's a sixpack of beers at the corner of the fridge and he grabs them before even thinking what he's doing, he goes to sit on the couch and opens the first bottle. He stares at it for a good three minutes, waiting to see if his concience will stop him from doing something as stupid as this, but there’s nothing, just anger, hot burning anger that spreads through his body and numbs the rational part of his brain.

He drowns almost half of the bottle in one swallow and cringes, it’s been months since the last time actually enjoyed the taste of something in his mouth, and it tastes bitter, but he doesn't care, he can't bring himself to care about a single thing right now because he’s out of his own mind, he stops thinking about Harry’s reaction, upset and crestfallen eyes when he sees what he's doing, he shuts out his doctor’s voice saying _it’s not good to mix your medication with alcohol._

He's unstoppable, getting angrier and angrier by the second because he feels so fucking weak, he can't even open a beer bottle without feeling his arms trembling, it’s pathetic.

He loses track of time, he doesn't realise when he started crying and pulling on his hair, hugging his knees and thinking _whywhywhy_. He suddenly feels regret bubbling inside him, and just cries harder because he can just imagine Harry’s disappointed eyes but he can't get a hold of himself, so he just keeps poisoning his body just like the cancer is doing.

He tries to get Harry and his caring self away from his head and just drinks his thoughts, pain and regrets away, far far away, somewhere where he’s fine, healthy, happy. Where he can do whatever  the hell he wants and he can spend a day without the aching in his body, he wants to get so drunk so maybe he can find a place where everything he does doesn't feel so _wrong._

It's something like 9:45pm when he faintly hears the sound of rattling keys and soft footsteps at his front door and he panics.

It's Harry, of course it’s Harry and _fuckfuckfuck._

Harry can't see him like this, he can't see his puffy cheeks and swollen eyes, with bottles scattered all over the floor. He gets so caught up in his panicky thoughts that he doesn't notice Harry standing right in front of him until he speaks.

“Niall, what the _fuck_  are you doing?!”

And that's when Niall breaks; he sobs and wails so hard he has to bring his bony knees to his chest as a way to keep himself together, he feels so stupid for doing this, but there's no going back so he cries harder, he’s shaking but he doesn't know if he’s scared or just cold because his blanket fell off a good time ago, he’s sobbing so hard he feels the small sandwich he ate making its way up his throat and he pukes all over the couch.

“Niall, fuck, breathe breathe, c’mon you need to breathe Ni, I'm here, it’s okay, you just need to breathe”

He just sobs harder because it's not, how dare Harry say that? It's not okay, nothing about this is okay because he’s still dry heaving and coughing and wheezing painfuly, he can't get any oxygen in his lungs and it’s getting too painful, it's not okay, he’s not okay.

“Niall, for fuck's sake, you’re gonna pass out if you don't breathe, _please_ , just focus on me, Niall, yeah? Look at me, I'm here, I love you, _please calm down_ ”

He doesn't know if it's the trepidation clear in Harry's words or the hands that are trying to get him to stop trashing, but he snaps out of it. He opens his eyes and breathes, and it's not easy, he’s been crying for hours, his chest hurts and the headache feels endless, but he breathes and it helps with the dizziness, helps with the unhealthy thumping of his heart, Harry's presence is the biggest help he can get at the moment, he’s gently running his hands through his back and arms and his eyes are swimming in concern and uneasiness. He breathes and his sobs turns into hiccups, little sniffles here and there, he nods weakly, to let Harry know he’s there, he’s listening and trying to even out his breathing, he’s fine, he just wants Harry to stop fretting and hold him until he feels human again.

“ _I'm sorry"_ he cries, and Harry holds him and places him gently on his lap, despite the fact that he just threw up what seems to be evething he ate in the past week and he probably smells foul, but he’s cold and tired, so he clings to him, clutches Harry so close to him he’s sure there’s not a millimiter of space between them.

“What happened?” Harry questions as he draws a random patern on Niall’s bony back and wipes some of the tears on his cheeks.

He doesn't look disappointed or angry as Niall expected him to be, he’s just worried, he looks lost and startled, Niall just wants to reassure him he’s fine, that it won't happen ever again but he doesn't feel ready to make a promise like that right now, can't even open his mouth to speak, he feels raddled.

“I lost it, I'm sorry” he mumbles.

“Let’s take a bath, yeah?”

“Yeah”

 

 

Harry carries him to the bathroom and slowly takes off his clothes while the bath fills with warm water, he’s being so gentle Niall wouldn't be able to know what he's doing if he doesn't look.

"You didn't take your meds, did you?" Harry inquires when he's done and Niall is ready to get in the water, he hasn't stopped shivering.

Niall shakes his head and Harry sighs before kissing his forehead, "I'll be right back, don't freeze"

He smiles because his limbs are trembling so bad he actually thinks he’s going to freeze. “I’ll try”

Harry’s back not more than two minutes later, with tea and his blue pills. He takes them meekly, the tea soothes his burning throat and he knows he just has to wait till the headache starts to dissipate. He prays it will. Sometimes not even taking twice the dosage helps.

“Want me to shower with you?”

“You think I’d say no?” Niall smiles soflty.

“Come here”

Harry helps Niall step in the tub carefully, and then he takes off his clothes too, he sits behind the blonde and Niall settles between his legs, back flush against Harry's chest as he fits his head perfectly in Harry's shoulder.

He closes his eyes, savouring the serene moment, he focuses on Harry’s hands massaging his shoulders with soapy, gentle hands. There's pain radiating through his whole body but he tries to stop thinking about that.

Harry is gently soaping Niall’s tiny stomach and ribs, he doesn't stop to think of how skinny Niall is, just as he ignores the amount of hair that stays in his hands after removing the shampoo from Niall's head.

“It’s getting late” Harry whispers beside Niall's ear.

“I'm comfy here” Niall mumbles back.

“But the water is starting to get cold and you're finally warm again”

“When it gets too cold I’ll tell you, let's just stay here for a bit more, yeah?”

“Okay”

“Remember that night we started organizing our closet?” Harry isn't looking but he’s sure Niall is smiling, he smiles too, recalling the night not more than a few months ago when they realised that half of Harry’s clothes were in Niall’s drawers and most of Niall’s shirts and snapbacks were on Harry’s.

They put out every single pieace of clothing out of the closet on the bed, it was a mess to say the least.

“It was so late and we were so tired but our room looked like a tornado had just passed by” Niall says, letting out a breathy laugh.

“And you told me that we’d have to sleep on the couch if we didn't tidy it”

“You didn't help me at all and at the end I gave up. Also the tour was starting after a few weeks so there was no point, we had to pack everything and the clothes would get mixed up again”

“You made us sleep on the couch” Harry chuckles.

“And you drooled all over me”

“It was your idea to fix the damn closet anyway”

“It wasn't a bad idea, we just got lazy” Niall is still smiling and Harry doesn't want the conversation to fade away.

“You kicked me with your knees and woke me up with your elbow right on the nose”

Niall laughed nuzzling his face on Harry’s chest, “it was a good night”

“Indeed, it was”

“I'm getting cold” Niall says quietly, like he doesn't want Harry to hear him.

“Let’s go then, I'm falling asleep on you”

Harry carries Niall to their room, his headache is slightly better and he puts on his pajamas without feeling his brain bursting out of his head, its sad, he thinks, that now he considers putting his clothes by himself as a success.

He's sitting on the edge of the bed when Harry kneels in front of him. "Don't repeat what you did today, not ever again"

“I won't, I'm sorry”

“Don't be, Niall, this is not easy at all and you're the strongest person I've ever known but we all are allowed to have our break downs, if everything gets too much just talk to me, okay? Your mom is always there, your brother, your dad, we love you, we just want the best for you, I don't want this to happen ever again”

“I promise it won't, Haz"

“I love you”

“I love you too”

 

+

 

They have a surprisingly good week after the last chemo session of the month. September it’s just starting and Harry prays that this will be the month that will let nice things happen, when things will get better.

Niall thinks it’s the first time he doesn’t get dizzy or sick during it or after it ends. It sends a spark of hope through his body because, _hey, maybe it’s working, maybe I’m finally getting rid of this, I’m getting better,_  he lets himself hope, feels like he needs this rush of hopefulness.

As a celebration, Niall invites Harry on a date.

He feels kind of bad that Harry has to deal with all of this, thinks that maybe he’s holding Harry back from living better things instead of staying home or at a hospital taking care of him, but he always says he’s happy, says he doesn’t care if they cancel the rest of the tour because he gets to be with Niall, and although he wishes it was in better circumstances, it’s time with Niall anyway, nothing can ruin that, not even cancer. They won’t let it win.

They have lunch at a restaurant that is not fancy at all, is quite simple but Niall has been in love with its hamburgers since the first day, and he hasn’t felt ill for a second, so he risks it, orders a double burger with fries and coke, Harry orders less, just in case.

Niall pays of course, because Harry is his guest and this is a _date_ , he won’t let Harry pay for anything. He feels the most content he had felt in a while, he’s fine, he feels alive, he feels stronger than he had felt in weeks, he ate his whole order and he thinks he still has the place for some ice cream, so that’s what they do.

They walk through the park beside their flat, holding hands and talking about sweet nothings while eating their favourite ice cream flavours and they don’t let their minds wander to unwanted, dark places, like the fact that Niall may be feeling great right now but future is uncertain and cancer makes it harder to predict how will he feel tomorrow.

They just let the day take its own course, and Niall laughs loudly when Harry sticks the top of his cone on Niall’s nose and then it’s a battle of whose face is stickier and messier, and Harry swears they haven’t laughed this hard for a while.

They decide to go back when it starts to get cold and Niall starts shivering and Harry can see how cold he is even if he tries hard to hide it, he knows Niall doesn’t want to go back just yet. Because the flat is messy. It needs a good clean up and they need to wash the clothes Niall had worn to the chemo sessions and the bathroom probably doesn’t smell pretty, their bed must look like a mess and their whole flat seems to have a dark and uninvited aura that let itself at home when cancer did.

But every time Niall breathes, the puffs of air come out as white smoke and Harry knows they can’t risk Niall getting a cold. They’ve had a perfect day, but he won’t take their luck too far.

He doesn’t have to say anything, because Niall finds his place snuggled in Harry’s chest as they turn left and start the short path towards the flat, and he whispers softly, “home is waiting, Haz, let’s go”

Harry lets himself hope too.

 

+

 

They have a party, Niall’s birthday party, on a Friday, just a few days before it's his actual birthday because is Friday and they know now better than to wait to do things. It’s like they have a new motto, like Louis says, _there’s not a right time to do things, lads, today is the day we’re living and today Niall is still here so let’s stop waiting and let’s start doing._

Zayn punshes him in the cheek because Louis seems to be more sensible nowadays, he’s still random, loud and crazy Louis, but now he holds back a bit more and he hugs and cuddles and says _i love you, mate_  before he leaves Niall for the day.

This has changed all of them, even for a little bit.

Because now Zayn smokes less, he’d much rather stay chatting about nothing with Niall for hours because this made him see life doesn’t wait for you, it goes and goes and it gets faster as you get slower so he needs to live, needs to joke and laugh and cuddle his little irish best friend before life decides it’s time for him to stop suffering. Liam asks more often than not if they need help with anything, gets himself occupied  making ginger tea for Niall and helping him when his legs are numb and he wants to walk around for a bit.

 

+

 

They do end up having a party, even after Harry had answered to their group texts with a _he woke up with a headache at 4am, but says he’s still up for the party. x_

It brings their spirits down just a bit, because Niall has been doing so great since he got out of hospital and a headache could mean a setback coming and they’re dreading something like that happening. So they don’t think about it and instead they make a list with how many ballons and how big the cake and _should we bring a piñata?_ Because it’s almost Niall’s birthday and there’s no space for negative thoughts when there’s a birthday boy to make happy.

-

It goes smoothly.

At least in their opinion, it is the best thing that has happened since all of this started, it makes them all feel more relaxed, brings them memories of times when things where easier and they didn’t have to worry about how loud the music is or to not buy that much beer because medicines and alcohol don’t get along very well.

It’s a bit nostalgic, but amazing none the less.

Zayn gets busy with the music and Liam is checking everything is how it should be and Louis is chatting with the fellow friends they invited, the band, people that are with them during tours and Niall's closest friends.

Harry and Niall  were doing a little bit of everything, recommending songs to Zayn, Harry helping keeping everything on order while Niall goes with Louis talking to everyone, but Niall's energy vanishes quickly these days, so he squeezes Louis hand and whispers he's going to find Harry.

Louis follows his steps just to be sure Niall gets there safe, and it's ridiculous, how they feel they can't let Niall out of eyesight or they will feel anxious and uneasy. Niall finds Harry and latches onto his back, he laughs when he feels Harry jump under him because he didn't feel him coming and says, "Hey you scared me!" but the laugh fades quickly when Harry turns around and see Niall looking paler than he was when they got there.

“I’m just sleepy” Niall mumbles where he has his face tucked in Harry’s neck as a slow song plays softly in the back ground.

“Ni, you’re shivering” Harry whispers back, tightening the hold on Niall’s tiny waist.

“It’s cold” he tries to hide even more in the expanse of Harry’s neck, his chest, his arms, he wants to crawl in his lap and let him play with his hair while he tries to fall asleep as the cold makes of his bones a home, “can we go to sleep?”

Harry's heart breaks.

“Of course Ni, let me ask Zayn if we can just crash on his guest room or something, yeah?” He says, trying to pull away slowly and search for something in Niall’s eyes that tell him those tremors are not only because of the cold. (It’s not cold at all).

“Yeah, I’ll be with Liam and Lou on the sofa” he smiles weakly and Harry tries not to think things too hard. Niall is fine, _he’s fine, he's fine._

Harry makes it back to the sofa less than five minutes later and finds Niall asleep, curled up by Liam’s side, who's smiling sadly while stroking his back.

They carry him to Zayn’s room because he says is okay and the bed is bigger, so Harry can be comfortable there too, they spend the night there.

It’s the last peaceful night they have before everything crumbles in front of their eyes.

 

+

 

Harry goes out just four days before Niall’s birthday because he’s been thinking about this day for weeks, months even. First it was all about praying that Niall would make it till his birthday, next it was deciding what to get him.

His mum told him to do something small, but meaningful. Something no so extravagant and that depends on Niall’s mood and well-being.

He decides on a fancy dinner and a small ring that simbolizes union and love. It was his mums idea, of course, because he said his grandma had gotten it for his grandpa when he got sick. The meaning was deep and genuine, that’s what Harry was looking for.

He goes to pick up the ring for him and it doesn’t take him more than an hour. He left when Niall was still asleep, not wanting to answer questions like _where are you going? Can I go with you?_  because Harry is a shit liar and he would have ended up spilling everything and telling Niall his whole plan.

So he called Liam, to go and keep an eye on him because Harry was paranoid all the time of Niall waking up and needing something or someone and being all alone in the room.

He tries not to think about it.

He’s almost getting home when his phone buzzes and he ignores it because he’s driving and he’s less than ten minutes away from their flat so he can check who was calling when he gets there.

Whoever is calling is persistant though, because Harry’s sure he’s got at least six missed calls in less than five minutes and now he’s anxious because what if it’s something serious?

He picks up and he suddenly feels like he went back in time to that afternoon when he was home and Maura called saying something was wrong, because it's Liam, and he says Niall is at the hospital and that is serious but as much as Harry asks, Liam won't tell him what's wrong, he just says he’ll be outside Niall’s room, drive safe and stay calm.

He doesn't have time to feel guity for leaving Niall, nor for wondering how he leaves for less than an hour and everything goes to hell. He gets there breathless, panting and sweating and he wants to yell because Liam is just sitting there, staring at absolutely nothing when Harry wants nothing but to know what the fuck is going on with his Niall.

He wants answers, wants to see if Niall is okay, wants to hug him and tell him he’ll never leave again but he just wants him to be okay more than anything.

He realises Liam is not breaking out of the trance he seems to be in so Harry pushes himself out of his seat and storms into Niall’s assigned room only to find it empty; the bed is made and everything’s in place and it seems like no one’s been in there since Niall left, which only scares him even more because _where the hell is Niall?_

“He’s at the ICU” Liam says, and Harry didn't hear his footsteps approaching him so he jumps when Liam's arm comes to rest on his shoulder, “he was- you know I was at your house and he was still sleeping when I got there, he looked peaceful and he was alright and like a few minutes later he-“ he chokes back a sob and shakes his head.

“He what Liam, what happened?” Harry demands, he's worried and scared out of his mind.

“He just started whimpering, he was making this wheezing, painful noises like he was struggling to breathe properly so I just thought he was having a nightmare and I tried to wake him up but as soon as I touched him he just-” he has to stop, to inhale and exhale because his voice is wavering too much and the least thing he wanted was to scare Harry but it’s impossible when he feels so terrified himself.

“Liam, what the fuck happened?” Harry hisses.

“I called an ambulance because he was convulsing on the bed and he was like gagging and I didn’t know if it was okay to touch him but he was hurting himself so I tried to hold him still and it seemed to be getting better but then he just got worse and the tremors were shaking his whole body and he couldn’t breathe Harry, he wasn’t breathing!” Liam doesn’t even try to stop the tears at this point, “I don’t remember, it happened too fast it's all blurry in my head but when we got here they lead him straight to the ICU and just a few minutes before you got here they told me he’d had two seizures and it was bad, that he could have died because his heart could have failed any minute, but he’s alive, they said he’s at a critical stage right now, they took him for tests and shit procedures I don’t know about and they’ll see if it's fixable or if there’s just no way out of this” He's bawling at this point.

“Don’t you fucking say that, Liam, how can you? He’s been fighting this for too long not to give up now, he’s stronger than the fucking cancer, he’ll put through and I'm gonna laugh at your face for ever stop  believing he wouldn’t” Harry is sobbing openly as he punches weakly Liam's chest.

Liam knows it's not healthy for Harry to be in such a deep denial, but they’re at the hospital after a great couple of days when they tought Niall was actually getting better. It’s a huge setback and they know deep down that things are going to be harder from now on but they can't lose hope. So Liam puts Harry in a tight embrace, they both wanting to stay strong for the other but neither feeling able to hold down the sobs that are painfully coming out and shaking their bodies in awkward ways.

"I won't give him up" Harry cries.

"I know you won't"

 

+

 

Niall is in a too white room that smells too clean for Harry’s liking. It’s big, _too big_ for just one bed that’s in the middle and all the tubes and machines around it. They made Harry put on a gown and a pair of funny shoes and a mask and a thing for his hair. They said it’s for Niall’s sake so he never questions it.

He’s there, in the bed, looking as tiny as ever with an oxygen mask on his nostrils and two IV’s in each of his arms. He can see he’s awake for the way his fingers are moving slighty on the sheets, but his eyes are closed.

“Niall?” Harry says and he hates how his voice sounds too loud in the room, “hi, I’m here” he approaches the bed but Niall’s eyes are still closed, “will you open your eyes for me?”

“s’ bright” he rasps, “hurts” and he threads their fingers when he feels Harry’s hands close to his.

“I’ll close the blinds, yeah?”, all he receives is a small nod. When the room is darker, he asks, “how are you feeling, what happened?”

And in that moment Niall opens his eyes, they seem duller, like they're drowning in tiredness, but he tries to smile, “I’m okay, it’s just my head but they said they gave me some painkillers that will kick off soon”

“Do you remember what happened?”

Niall shakes his head and Harry’s heart breaks, “I don’t, not even a second” he breathes, “I just know they woke me up for a blood test and I freaked out because I swore I was still at home and they sedated me after that” he tries to chuckle, but there's nothing that worths it so the try dies in his throat.

“They told Liam you had two seizures, but we don’t know yet what caused them” he says as an answer, still stroking Niall’s cold fingers. Niall seems to be cold all the time.

“It sucks, doesn’t it? I thought, I actually believed I was getting out of this” he looks sad and a tiny bit angry but most of all he looks disappointed.

“You will, this is just an obstacle in our way, there’s still so much ahead of you, Ni”

“Are you quoting Zayn?” that’s Niall’s greatest effort to make the topic change.

“Maybe I'm just getting smart and sensible, both at the same time, eh” Harry smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

“Where were you? The doc said it was Liam who brought me here, not you” he looks more awake now, his eyes clouded with confusion.

“I was getting your birthday present actually” he smiles smugly.

“Yeah, and what is it?” Niall teases “you got it here?”

“No it’s not here, I wasn’t allowed to bring anything here, but is safe in Liam’s pocket”

“You look like a sexy surgeon, y’know? Ever considered being a doctor?” Niall smirks.

Harry lets out a loud laugh, “where even is this conversation going?!” and they are both laughing now. It feels good, but Harry can see the small grimace that sets up in Niall’s forehead when he laughs too loud, he knows it’s hurting him and he just wants to kiss and cuddle and laugh all the pain away.

But Harry can just cuddle and kiss as Niall gives him space on the bed so he can lie there.

“I'm glad you’re here, it was scary when i was alone, reckon this room is too big for just me”  Niall says

“I'm glad you’re here too” Harry whispers and it gets muffled by Niall's beanie. They both know what he means, they know it’s more than a _thanks for letting me cuddle you even when the nurses said to not crowd you,_  it’s a _I'_ _m so relieved you’re still here, that you're still fighting._

But they stop thinking, they just fall asleep.

 

+

 

Niall sleeps his birthday away.

Harry feels like he lost a battle that he’s not even fighting.

 

+

 

He's out of it for two days and the doctors decide it's better to keep on going with the chemo as soon as possible.

They tell them that Niall has to stay for a few days, that he’s in a too vulnerable condition, when something as simple as the flu could end him, they agree, but they never properly tell Niall, and Niall doesn’t properly ask.

He just knows, he knows because his room is slowly filling with the things from home he uses and loves the most, because one day the room seems empty and void of any kind of familiar air, and suddenly his blankets are there and so are his favourite DVD's and his guitar is set in the corner of the room, and the TV is on, a derby game he never got the chance to see, Niall’s laptop and phone on the bedside table they brought too.

They’ve brought the things he needs the most, the things he’s used to, as a silent way to tell him that he’ll have to get used to this uncomfortable hospital room, they try to make it easier, it just makes him feel homesick.

He wants nothing more but to catch a flight to Ireland, surprise his dad and visit Greg and kiss his mum. He wants to go to his old room and see all _his_  things, he wants _home_ , he can’t do this anymore.

Harry comes out of nowhere and hugs him, tight, whispers a soft, “we’re trying to convince the doctor to let you go to Mullingar”

And Niall knows he’ll say no. If they won’t let him go to their flat which is less than 15 minutes away from the hospital, he won’t be able to go to Ireland, he’s not going home anymore.

He shuts his eyes closed tightly, trying to ease the burning, the pounding on his head. Harry kisses his forehead.

He appreciates the effort.

 

Harry finally finds a moment to give Niall his birthday present. It's been a week since his birthday but he's been quiet and barely _living_ at all, it didn't feel right to give it to him when the air in the room was so cold and still. But Louis remembers him, there's not a right moment to do things, so as soon as Niall wakes up on a sunny morning, he goes for it.

”What is it?” Niall’s voice is small and raspy but Harry has never felt so relieved to finally hear it again.

“It’s a ring” Harry smiles as he gets it out of his pocket where it's been since Niall was admitted to the hospital again.

“A ring? Gonna propose?” he tries to laugh, but there's a shooting pain in his skull when he does.

“It’s like a- like a commintment ring like, we’ll wear it because I'm yours and you’re mine no matter what or how or when or where, we’ll always belong to each other, nothing can break that down” Harry explains and kisses soflty the tight skin of Niall’s pale cheek. “You like it?”

“I do, Haz, it’s beautiful, thank you so much” Niall whispers, because raising his voice is increasing the furious throbbing of his head, “come here, thank-you-kiss is coming”

Harry chuckles and he lies down carefully beside Niall, trying not to shake or move him too much, and he stays there for hours, all the hours that Niall sleeps and pukes and cries and tries to laugh with the boys when they go and visit. He's there and he's not leaving because something about what has happened in the last few days makes it feel like they're running out of time, there's not enough, it will never be enough so Harry makes the most of it and he admires and counts Niall’s freckles and he focuses on how his lips and eyebrows move when he speaks and he stares at his smile and at the long of his eyelashes, strokes his fingers and touches, kisses, cuddles because Harry won't ever know how long they have until its too late.

 

+

 

Niall goes in a coma.

It happens when Harry leaves the room to go for something to eat. And spills the whole cup of coffee he had in his hands when he goes back and the boys are no longer inside the room but outsite, sitting restlessly in the waiting room.

They explain him, he was sleeping and he suddlenly convulsed, like he had the sudden urge to puke but he was lying down so everything went backwards and he coughed up blood. He's in a coma. 

And Harry runs, he bursts out of the room and just runs, wherever his legs are taking him, he needs a escape, an out, wants to go somewhere where Niall is not sick, where he’s not so sickly pale, so scrawny and weak and _sick_ , somewhere where he can stop fretting, stop thinking about death and medical treatments that never work, where everything doesn't hurt, where the people you love the most don't leave too soon.

Things got out of control too quickly. It all was too unexpected, Harry just needs to be far away from it all so maybe it will sink in. Maybe it will hurt less.

Because Niall was fine, just two weeks ago he was cuddled up close to him, playing with the loose ends of his bracelets while they not really watched a football game.

Niall was sitting in their kitchen table, eating, telling Harry about the new romantic comedy he had watched, he was _fine_  when he went to take a shower, Harry swears he was perfectly fine when they went to sleep.

Except he wasn't. And Harry feels so stupid because maybe Niall knew all along, he knew something was going to happen, maybe he could feel it and he just wanted to give Harry a day of normality, maybe that's why he didn't complain at all, and Harry is so fucking stupid because he always notices things when it's too late.

But Niall is still alive, breathing because of machines that keep his heart beat steady but still _alive,_ while Harry is God knows where.

He’s still at the hospital, but he ran through too many halls and the hospital is so big and everything is so white it looks the same everywhere. He feels sick, his whole body is itching to be close to Niall, and Harry curses for the thousand time that night because he shouldn't have left.

He grabs his phone and calls Louis.

"Mate, where the fuck are you?" 

"Dunno, I ran and kind of got lost"

"Harry what the fuck! Are you alone? Give me a description of where you are I'm grabbing my car to pick you up"’

"No, no, I'm still at the hospital, just, don't know exactly where" he mutters, feeling ashamed because really, why the fuck would he just run away?

"Okay how is it where you are, what do you see?"

He lets out a humourless laugh, "there are rooms and an elevator, an emergency door and white walls and nurses"

"That’s not helpful Harry, I swear the whole hospital looks like that, just ask a nurse or something"

There's a small brunette nurse that seems nice enough so Harry decides to ask her. “hospitalization wing of the hospital, 3rd floor”

“Okay, don't move from where you are, Harry, if you make me walk the whole hospital and you’re not there, you're a dead man"

He ends the call and slides his back through the wall till his bum hits the floor, and that's how Louis finds him not more than ten minutes after.

“How is he, Lou, be honest”

Louis lowers his head and looks anywhere but at Harry’s expecting eyes “he’s- he’s in a coma, Harry” he sighs tiredly, like he’d rather be doing anything but having this conversation. “still unconscious, still alive, but they dont think he’ll-“

“I’ll go see him” Harry interrupts him and ignores Louis' sad smile.

Louis leaves not before giving Harry a tight hug, “He’ll be okay, Haz, and you will, too” he tries to give go with a smile but fails so kisses his temple instead.

Liam and Zayn are there when he opens the door but he pretends they're not staring intently at him, "we'll leave you alone, yeah? We're outside if you need something".

Harry wonders briefly if they don't want to be there because they are afraid of Harry's questions, ' _will he wake up, Liam? How long do you think he’ll stay like this? Zayn do you think he’s in pain? Can he hear me if I talk to him?_  

He decides he doesn't care and lies next to Niall, trying to be slow and easy with his movements, as if a rough move would wake Niall up groaning, telling him to stop kicking, that he's trying to sleep. 

But he knows that won't happen, because Niall is not asleep, he’s in a coma and it doesn't matter if Harry tries to be gentle of or if he starts jumping up and down on the bed. Niall won't wake up that easily.

So he quietly slips into the sheets and tucks his head on Niall's shoulder, wraps his arms around Niall’s chest and closes his eyes, trying to shut down all his toughts and just focus on the heart beating right beside his ear.

He dreams of cloudless skies and sunny days in the beach with a guitar playing random tunes, a bright smile, a exhilarating laugh and full of life eyes.

 

-

 

Niall is still unconscious the next morning and remains like that for the next three days.

 

+ 

 

Around five am in the morning Harry feels something moving in his arms, squeezing his fingers.

He’s ready to flip Liam off, tell him that no, he’s not hungry and he took a shower yesterday, and that it's too bloody early to be awake.

But he's not prepared to find sleepy blue eyes squiting at him. Short, calloused fingers moving in his grasp and a body tensing and relaxing in his arms.

“Harry?” and yeah, it's him, that's Niall's, voice which souds scratchy and raw, nothing more than a faint whisper, but Niall’s voice nonetheless.

He’s not sure if it’s a sob or a breathless laugh or maybe a sigh of relief and happiness what comes out first, but it's probably a combination of them all.

“Niall, Niall _oh my God,_  Niall!”

He’s touching everywhere, careful of course, because Niall is still connected to so many wires and machines he can't touch freely whatever he wants, but he finds confort when he squeezes Niall’s hand and he finds warm sweaty fingers squeezing back. So different from the coldness that seemed to cling to Niall’s body for the last 3 days.

He lifts his head to look at Niall, who has a tight smile and tired eyes but it’s smiling at him and it looks real, looks like a _I missed you so much_  that can't be spoken because his throat is sore. Harry can't help but smile too, because Niall finally woke up, and he's right there, reaching a hand out to touch Harry’s cheek, and is Niall, _his_  Niall, who is kissing him and his lips are rugged and his mouth is dry but _fuck it._

It's not been much since the last time he kissed him but it feels like years without Niall kissing back, so they kiss, Harry kisses his jaw and chin and his nose and cheeks while Niall reaches out to touch, tries to make his hands and arms work because he’s desperate to _feel_ Harry.

Niall feels too exhausted after a while and Harry’s elbow that’s supporting his whole weight its kind of numb, so they let go.

“How are you feeling?”

“Sore all over and craving a pint so bad"

Harry chuckles, “there's water in the bedside table, but it's probably better to tell the nurse you’re awake”

“Dont leave” Niall whispers.

“I'm right here”

“What day is it?”

“Four days after the last time you were awake” Harry answers.

“Four days? Holy shit”

“I know, it’s been a while, but you're awake now”

“My everything is aching” Niall winces and closes his eyes.

“I’ll call the nurse, I’ll be right back, yeah?”

“Okay, but hey”

“What?”

 

 

“Kiss me”

 

+

 

Now Niall is chapped lips and cold hands, sunken and pale cheeks, just skin and bones.

Harry thinks he’s beautiful. Because yeah, now Niall is just a small shadow of the Niall he was used to but is still his Niall, with the colourful eyes and unexpected laughs, because Niall’s eyes still hold that light they’ve always had, and he’s still positive and wants to take everything by storm he won’t back down now, he still wants to fight. He still has visible those little bits of hope that makes Harry feel stronger too.

He's completely bald too, blonde and soft hair gone, the beanies never leave his head. He's skinny, too skinny and he gets tired too easily. 

But he hates that he can’t sleep. Hates that no matter how many sleeping pills he takes, no matter how tired and drained he feels, his eyes won’t stay closed for more than a few minutes. He hates how his body is so sore, how he hurts everywhere and it just makes it harder to fall asleep.

Niall is scared, so so scared he wants to cry, he’s terrified out of his mind, because he knows, he knows the end is getting closer and closer his body letting him know with these wheezing sounds with every breath he takes, how every time he moves and his muscles ache and his head spins, he knows it’s coming, and he’s not going to be there for much longer and it’s scary, absolutely horrifying.

He knows he’ll be gone soon, and it scares him because he doesn’t know when will it happen, when will be the last chance he’ll get to see and hug his dad and kiss his mum, when he’ll be able to hold Theo for more than a few minutes before his arms feel so sore, so _weak._  It pains him that he’ll be gone soon, without taking a last glance to Mullingar, without getting smashed with Sean. He doesn’t know what will be the last thing he’ll say to the boys, doesn’t want to know when will be the last time they’ll all laugh together, as a whole. He doesn’t know how many times he’ll be able to kiss and touch and hug Harry before his body gives up and fails on him. It scares him, because it’s happening but he doesn’t know when it will end.

 

+

 

“Harry, can we go to the lake?” He croaks out quietly, trying to make his voice lower because every little noise feels like a blow to his head.

“When do you wanna go?” Harry asks.

“As soon as my head stops aching” he whispers back.

“Okay. Yeah, we’ll go the lake” Harry hides his tears on Niall’s sweater, “we’ll go soon, I promise you”

They fall asleep like that. Niall’s tiny form curled up on Harry’s bigger one and Harry is still shaking with choked sobs as he strokes Niall’s bony back.

 

They never get to go to the lake.

 

+

 

Zayn has a dream before _it_ happens.

It's hazy and blurred but he can make out his grandpa’s face there, and they are somewhere that looks like the arena where they were formed as a band. The five of them are hugging, like they do when they have a break and they won't see each other for a few weeks.

But it feels different, because his grandpa is right there, at the exit door, with his hands in his pockets, looking at them with a smile, but a sad look on his eyes. And then he speaks, says “c'mon Niall, we have to leave, we’re gonna be late”

And Zayn feels confused, because where is Niall going? Theres no way he’s going to Ireland, that doesn't make sense, not with his grandpa, because his grandpa passed away years ago, it doesn't make any sense, and suddenly Niall is looking at them, but something about the way he looks at them seems different, like he doesn't want to let go, Zayn wants to tell him that it's okay, they'll see each other in a few weeks, but when he walks towards the exit room, something tugs in Zayns chest, because something about this feels so wrong, but at the same time it doesn't.

Maybe it's because his grandpa is there, like his presence soothes him, while every step Niall takes away from them terryfies him, his grandpa's smile reassures him, that whatever is happening, is all right.

And as Niall reaches the place where the old man is standing and they start walking away, everything gets blurrier and the haze grows and when Niall turns back to look at them for a last time, he’s smiling.

“You guys will be okay” he says, but he doesn't shout, despite how far away from them he is, his voice is soft and happy, and his hair _(hair! He has hair!)_ is glowing and there’s a whole aura around him, the blue in his eyes is breathtaking as the light surrounding him turns brighter and brighter Zayn has to squint to look at him properly, his face probably looks funny because Niall lets out a loud, uncontainable laugh, like the ones they used to hear everyday before he got so terribly sick.

Now the the light its blinding and Zayn has to close his eyes.

When he opens them, the only thing he sees is the darkness of his room.

 

+

 

"Don’t let go Niall, please, don't stop fighting it, don't let it win, Ni, not now, please" Harry was holding Niall tightly, tucked in his chest, shielding him from all the harms of the world, trying futilely to keep him protected and safe. But now, hearing Niall’s tiny breaths sounding more like wheezes and his eyes shut close in pain when he coughs too hard, its clear Harry did a shit job at it.

Because this is it. This is the end, this is _their_ end.

"I'm sorry" Niall croaks out, "I swear cancer wasn’t on my plans" he smiles sadly, stroking Harry’s hand because he can feel Harry’s chest quivering with tremors as he tries to supress sobs, "Haz, hey Haz, breathe" he whispers, "if you need to cry, just cry right now, do it, don’t hold it back now that I'm still here to hold you, because I'm sure as hell I won't let you be mopey or sad when I'm gone"

That just makes Harry break down in tears. He cries and Niall holds him as he asks over and over again why _they_ , what have they _done_ , why _his Niall_. And the smaller boy would hush him, kissing him softly on the lips and trying hard to stay awake. "These things just happen sometimes Harry, and it happened to us, you haven't done anything wrong, I haven't neither, but there's no going back, and you'll have to move on, you'll do it for me"

Harry doesn't stop crying. Not after Niall kisses him a million times or after he falls asleep, giving in to the disease that ripped everything away from him, looking peaceful in his arms. Because all of this feels like a goodbye. A goodbye that shouldn't be happening, it's too soon. Niall is too young, their relationship is too young. _Everything is too wrong_.

Harry hasn't done it in a while, but that doesn't stop him for closing his eyes and talking to whoever up in heaven who's listening, praying that he gets to see Niall's eyes for another day.

 

+

 

He doesn't.

Niall slips away from his fingertips that night. 

 

+

 

And Liam cries, sobs till he makes himself sick, Louis feels numb, locks himself in his room and doesn't let anyone in, not even when they come knocking on the door because they can hear him crying from downstairs. Zayn hurts, the sadness and grief is so big it makes his hands tremble and no matter how many cigarettes he lights up or how many beers he drinks, it won’t help him forget.

It won’t close out the sound of Niall’s laugh he still feels ringing in his ears.

 

 +

 

Harry doesn't come out of  _their_  flat.   

His eyes are always damp and so is Niall's pillow because he can't sleep without Niall's smell filling his senses.

He doesn't leave the bed for a week, doesn't have the guts to stand up and face Niall's favourite DVD's sitting on a pile next to the couch, waiting for Niall to choose one as they waste the day away eating pop corn and kissing during movies. 

Liam visits and he stays for hours even if Harry won't mutter a word out for him. _"this isn't right, you think Niall would like to see you like this?"_

He tries to make himself useful, refuses to let Harry drown in the darkness of Niall's absence.

He asks him if he’s hungry, if he needs some tea, if he’s cold and Harry’s not able to do anything but shake his head because no, he can’t eat, food doesn’t settle well in a stomach that hasn’t eaten properly in days, and he’s pretty sure he’s not shivering because of the cold that’s always present in the room, he’s sure it’s the sadness, the despair that’s clinging onto him, sticking to his bones, making him hurt and making him feel lonely, making the flat seem more lonely, darker and duller in a terryfing kind of way and sometimes he wonders, if this is how Niall felt, if this is how cancer made him feel, helpless towards a disease bigger and more powerful than him, that took over his body, made it a cage, and took him away from Harry, and no matter how much he tries, it won't go away.

Liam has never felt this helpless before, it’s almost physically painful. To see his best friend crumbling and losing himself in waves of rentless grief that will make him drown if he doesn’t swim away from them.

He wants to yell, wants to scream at Harry _do something, go take a shower, go trash the flat, go break all the expensive plates you’ve got in the kitchen but let it out, don’t let it win, don’t let it take you away, we can’t lose you too,_  but instead he just stares.

Stares at Harry’s closed eyes and Harry’s tear stained, pale cheeks and he wonders how and when things ended up like this. How can they be so unbalanced without a bright, energetic blonde that used to make everything seem better, hopeful. He hates how he didn’t realise how badly they all really need Niall, didn’t even notice how he always used to turn to him until now that he isn’t there.

“You can’t hide in here for the rest of your life just because it smells of him, Harry, I think you’re aware of that”

“I can’t, Liam. I just want to be alone”

“What kind of bullshit is that?" Liam shouts, suddenly ranging with anger, "What happened to the _we’re stronger when we’re together_  thing, where did it go?” Liam yells.

“We’re not together anymore, Liam” Harry says, looking impossibly tired, “Niall’s missing”

“Niall is not missing, you wanker!” Liam screams, but he's smiling sadly at him and Harry looks up at him, like he’s finally playing attention, “Niall is somewhere close to where we are right now, watching over us and most likely to be laughing his ass off at our crying faces” He succumbs to the tears and both of them cry for the boy they both lost and all the time that was stolen from their hands, they cry for themselves, for each other, for Niall's family... for _everything_ Niall left behind.

 

+

 

Harry makes himself a cup of tea on a sunny and cloudless day, it feels fresh, the fact that another season is starting and there are kids at the park and couples holding hands but he can't understand how the world can go on without Niall. How everyone seems to be handling it better than he ever will. But he figures it’s because none of them have to deal with sleeping at nights with a cold side on _their_ bed and how empty a dinning room can be when you make breakfast for two but you’re the only one in the table. Nobody but Harry knows how hard it is to feel nothing but heartbreak when the skies are _blueblueblue_ but he doens't have a pair of even brighter blue eyes to look at every day anymore.

So he stops thinking. Feels like he _needs_  to stop thinking about the fact that there’s another cup of tea sitting lonely on the kitchen counter waiting for Niall to go and get it.

 

+

 

Zayn goes to visit Harry three weeks after Niall left and he isn’t sure what is the purpose of it but he goes anyway.

It’s been four weeks since the last time he knocked on the same door, four weeks since he and the boys came to take some of Niall’s stuff to the hospital and four weeks since such a strong smell of _Niall_  invaded his senses.

Harry opens not long after he knocks and Zayn wants to cry because Harry looks _so sad_. But then he remembers he hasn’t done anything apart from smoking and crying and going over pictures on his phone, finding a bunch of pictures of him and Niall doing silly faces, in every pic a different one, while he silently clutches Niall’s scarf and sobs till his throat it’s too sore and his fingers are itching for a cigarette, so he must look like a mess too.

“Hey, Z,  s’been a while, uh”

“Yeah, yeah it’s been a while Haz, can I come in?”

“Sure, yeah, sorry for the mess but, I can't really bring myself to clean” Harry smiles but it looks too forced, trying to make him understand with his eyes that he physically can’t do the laundry and make the bed because then it wont be how Niall left it, it will be another part of Niall that will be gone when he tosses the trash and washes the dishes.

“I know Haz, don’t have to be sorry, my place is awful too, remember the party we had just a week after we had to rush Niall to the hospital?” Zayn asks and Harry winces, but nods, “you know how Niall cooked us some Irish stew and we had beers and stuff” he pauses because suddenly his voice is wavering too much, “I feel like I can’t even move the cushions because it’s like taking a piece of Niall away from us, I can’t do that, it’s the last time i saw him alive and breathing and laughing, Haz, I can’t fall asleep without the blanket he used when he fell asleep on my bed-” and they’re both crying at this point, now that Zayn broke down Harry can't even pretent to be strong because he _knows too well,_  because he’s doing the same thing and it hurts, _he_ hurts, _they_ all hurt and there's not a point in trying to stop the tears anymore.

“We’ll be alright Zayn, we will,” it’s an empty promise, but both of them feel slighty better after that.

 

+

 

It’s slow but it gets better.

Harry goes out and goes over to Louis’ house and they hug for what feels like a million years because that’s the same amount of time without seeing each other, at least that’s how it feels.

They all go to Harry’s flat and they all help him cleaning and washing and throwing things to big boxes that in a messy handwriting say _charity_   and  _Mullingar_  and there’s four bigger ones with the names of each one of them because of course they are keeping things.

They know Maura wants, _needs_  some of Niall's stuff to have with her back home, so does Bobby and Greg and they’re sure to pack Niall’s favourite hoodie in the Mullingar box because they know little Theo would like to have something that reminds him of his unique uncle.

The charity box doesn’t even need an explanation, it’s not a secret that Niall loved to give and give and give if that made people a little bit happier and their lives a little more bearable. So they pack in there the things that they think fans would buy, things that they’re sure people will kill to have and the money would go to the little kids in Africa Niall fell in love with and to that charity house in Ireland he used to support.

The ones with their names are important, too. Because Harry’s never letting go of the small things that Niall left scattered around the flat, and he wants a pair of his sweat pants and Niall’s over-sized hoodie that he’ll never wash. And it’s the same for Liam and Louis and Zayn, they need it, because they are aware there will be long, lonely nights when it hits them hard and they’ll need an anchor that keeps them sane. A reminder that Niall was there and still is, even if they can't see him.

It’s hard, but everything is in place after a while and it’s just how Niall liked it to be.

The four of them meet up at a coffee shop outside the Wembley arena, which for Harry, it’s ridiculous. Because Niall mentioned once, when they were starting the tour, that they should come over right to this place and talk about all the crazy things that were bound to happen when the One Direction boys are travelling around the world. He said it would be perfect. Finish where it all started. And here they are. Talking about everything and anything and even if the conversation has a serious lack of an irish accent, they can pretend it doesn’t affect them, because they have to learn to live without a booming laugh echoing in the hallway or a loud, irish accented voice in the middle of their chats and they have to learn to cope with seeing four microphones instead of five, and it’s not the _five of us_  anymore. It’s them and a special someone they’re sure it’s watching and laughing along with them. He’s not living with them, but he’s living in them. And they're living for him.

And they have to learn to leave like that, but small steps may be small but they’re safe and they're a start. It will be a long way now that there’s not a Niall around to make things easier, but starting is the first step, and they will learn, together. 


End file.
